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thank you all for coming to the see this
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late afternoon of rails cough my name is
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Jennifer - my pronouns are she and her i
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am a co-founder of co here we are a tiny
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consulting coaching consultancy and we
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specialize in coaching and training for
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engineering teams my co-founder is e
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spencer and betsy hey bar in the room so
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come talk with us after if you're
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interested before before i co-founded co
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here with these two amazing people i
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worked as an employee at both small
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companies and big companies first as a
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developer and then later as a manager a
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few years ago i was i was working at
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this job and I noticed I was feeling a
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little stressed by it and I also knew
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this I had started to drink a little bit
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more I I went from a glass or two a
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month I didn't used to drink very much
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then it was a glass or two a week a
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glass or two a day especially on those
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days when I was skipping skipping my
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evening workouts to get work done and
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when I noticed this I took some drastic
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measures and went for mandatory
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self-care I went dry and I stopped
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consuming alcohol I set hard stops for
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when I left work in the evening and I
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didn't allow myself to work again until
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I returned in the morning I did allow
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myself to return early and I used my
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evening cut-off time as an enforcement
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to get myself to my workouts in the
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evening before I tell you how that went
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I want to take a moment and explore a
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little bit about how we think about
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self-care self-care might yes this is
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not now self-care can look a lot like
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what I did it can look like eating well
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sleeping well exercising well it can
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also look like having a glass of wine
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going to the spa doing some meditation
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going on a vacation finding yourself
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these are self-care sometimes looks like
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being
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extra nice to ourselves but sometimes
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self-care can look even more basic than
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that sometimes self-care beings brushing
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your teeth and getting dressed getting
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up at all taking your meds showing up at
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work if these are things you're
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struggling with please note this talk is
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going to be amazing
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you will learn things and it's not going
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to fix things for you please think about
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talking with a medical professional like
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your PCP or your therapist let's go back
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to this story of me from a couple of
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years ago why did I put in these drastic
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self care measures why was I so fixated
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on this idea of applying self-care I was
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diligently applying self-care because I
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felt terrible about work and the belt
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life and self-care makes it feel like
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less is being taken out of you and
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sometimes work or life in general is
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trying to take more lfyou than feels
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good and self-care is a way for you to
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replenish a little bit and charge up at
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this job a few years ago I felt like I
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was depleted like my batteries were
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running low when I started that
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particular job though things were going
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great I found this new workplace with
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people I liked and respected I had all
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of this promise of career growth things
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were looking good for me home life was
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also going pretty well I probably had
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some complaints like you're loading the
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dishwasher wrong or things like that but
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for the most part I was I was content
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with my life I had like fun complaints
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and maybe that's where you were two of
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your batteries were charged and things
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were okay and then you got hit with some
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other life stuff like maybe your housing
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situation destabilized or your dog has a
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goat for an emergency vet visit you're
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doing okay but you could you could use a
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break this was where I was when I had an
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unexpected death in the family and at
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the same time work was changing and
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getting more stressful for for you maybe
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you got assigned to a project that was
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running behind or you got a new manager
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maybe had a reorg you're still doing
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okay
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things aren't this easy as they were
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before for me this was the point at
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which I noticed my alcohol habits were
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changing that my exercise patterns were
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changing and that's when I started to
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apply self-care and work on recharging
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my battery and maybe you tried it -
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maybe you prioritized yourself and your
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family you got that sleep the exercise
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that time to yourself
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and you were feeling a little bit better
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but work kept asking for more from me
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and life after a family def takes up a
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surprising amount of time maybe for you
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your housing situation destabilized more
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your dog has to go to the vet again
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you've been applying self-care and at
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the same time you're not as resilient as
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you were when you were at your very best
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when work or life keeps draining you
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when work continues to ask for more and
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more when that project goes from behind
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suit we needed that yesterday when a
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toxic person joins your team your
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battery keeps draining down lower and
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lower and you keep applying self-care
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and no matter how much you put in you
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can't recharge faster than what work or
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life is taking out of you at this job my
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workload was way too much for a single
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person to take on and I felt terrible
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because I was trying to do it anyway and
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I was doing all of this self-care sleep
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exercise sobriety and I still felt
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pretty terrible no matter how much
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self-care I applied I couldn't stop how
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much more that work was taking out of me
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I couldn't reduce the stress of my life
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in general after this family loss and my
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battery just kept going down lower and
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lower and this is the part of self-care
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that we do not talk about we don't talk
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about how there is a limit to how much
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self-care can recharge you this is my
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schedule from that job you might not
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have an hour commute like I did but
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matter what you have a limit to the
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number of hours in your day if you want
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to get really great sleep that's going
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to be 8 or 9 hours dedicated to that you
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need to go to work and eat while you're
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at work so that's another 8 or 9 hours
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so that leaves you six to eight hours
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every day in which you can eat shower do
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the adult chores that you definitely do
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like opening the mail or running the
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dishwasher commuting if you need to
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commute you still need time to do the
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other things that recharge you like
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spending time with your family and
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friends exercising those regular other
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things and if you're overwhelmed if
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you're burned out and you need to spend
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time on self-care to recharge wear this
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this time come from do you take it from
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the time that went into sleeping or do
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you take it from seeing your friends and
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family what do you do when you need less
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taken out of you and work or life or the
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world in general keeps taking more I
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want to talk about someone we all know
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and love who is in a very similar
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situation this is I see you've met this
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is this is fine dog this is fine dog
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this is railsconf this is fine dog is
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using self-care they are breathing
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calmly
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oh and they are mindfully drinking
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whatever that beverage is this is fine
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dog has a very pressing problem they are
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in a room that is on fire and that is
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not fine we're going to use this burning
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room as our shorthand for any
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unsustainable situation maybe it's being
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burnt out maybe it's your workplace
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which is very toxic whatever it is this
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room is not healthy for you both you and
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this is fine dog have some choices ahead
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first you need to face your situation
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you are already ahead of this is fine
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dog here ask yourself this question is
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your room on fire this is fine dog does
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not realize that they are in the room on
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fire or maybe they do and they want to
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ignore it so they're doing they're even
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breathing meditation they're drinking
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whatever that is and they're returning
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to working in the room on fire what
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about you it's your room on fire
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sometimes rooms are only hazardous to us
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maybe everyone else you work with is our
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Charmander or a fire mage
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maybe everyone else is a white male and
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not subject to the same discrimination
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you face if it looks like the room is on
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fire and no one else is affected don't
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try to force it will yourself into
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becoming that Charmander instead
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acknowledge whether the room is
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hazardous for you even if no one else
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around you thinks it is if you've been
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to American hotels so probably most of
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you in this room right now you might
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have noticed that sawing on the door
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in the back of your room and it tells
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you how to check if the room is on fire
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or if the hotel is on fire you put your
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hands to door and see if it's hot and
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then you look underneath and see if
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there's smoke coming in see if you can
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smell any smoke if you put your hand to
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the door and you it feels hot but you
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don't see or smell any smoke that
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doesn't mean that the hotel is not on
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fire right it means that something is
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going on out there it's probably not
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good you're missing some signs of fire
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but that does not mean it's not not on
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fire or not on fire whichever way that
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double negative goes this is the same
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thing for when you're detecting burnout
00:11:18.000
I want to give you a checklist just like
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the hotel checklist for if you are in a
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room on fire and just like the hotel you
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might not meet every one of those or
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even most of them but that doesn't mean
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you're not in a room on fire ultimately
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you are the one in your situation and
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you are the one who calls whether or not
00:11:40.530
that situation is on fire for you your
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checklist for if your room is on fire is
00:11:48.590
changes in your habits so think about is
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your media consumption is it changing
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how much are you spending time on
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YouTube on Twitter on Facebook is that
00:12:00.870
changing how about how you socialize are
00:12:03.150
you seeing your friends more or less or
00:12:06.060
your daily habits changing it's an
00:12:07.710
easier or harder to get up or to go to
00:12:10.080
bed or to do anything
00:12:13.220
if you're not sure if you're in a room
00:12:16.440
on fire if you find yourself arguing
00:12:19.680
with your friends that you're not really
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that technically technically it's not a
00:12:23.910
room on fire that other people in a room
00:12:26.610
have it way worse than you you probably
00:12:29.100
are in a room on fire even if no one
00:12:33.090
else in that room is affected by it it's
00:12:35.700
not healthy for you in there
00:12:40.430
at this point some of you might be
00:12:42.780
slowly realizing she's right I I am in a
00:12:50.130
room on fire
00:12:51.120
if that's you this next slide is what's
00:12:54.150
written just for you you are not stuck
00:12:58.340
you have choices they might they might
00:13:01.110
not be choices that you like but you do
00:13:03.570
have choices you can make it out of this
00:13:06.480
situation but you must face your options
00:13:09.870
and choose I made a flowchart so that
00:13:15.150
way you can make this easy when you are
00:13:19.230
looking for change there are three
00:13:21.030
things that you can attempt to change
00:13:23.930
first is your internal state next is
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what is external to you that you can
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change and then the third is what is
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external to you that you cannot change
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so these are three things that you can
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attempt that means that there are three
00:13:39.450
actions that you can take out of that
00:13:40.890
you can stay in the room with that is on
00:13:43.530
fire and change your internal state in
00:13:45.510
some way to make that to make that
00:13:47.610
acceptable you can stay in the room and
00:13:50.580
change what is external to you and fight
00:13:53.370
that fire and make it less on fire for
00:13:55.260
you or you can recognize there is
00:13:59.520
nothing that I can change that is within
00:14:02.820
my power to change that must be changed
00:14:04.740
in order for this room to be acceptable
00:14:06.270
to me and therefore I must flee the room
00:14:09.600
I like that last one so we're gonna
00:14:12.120
start there
00:14:14.740
sometimes the only thing that you can do
00:14:17.600
when you are in this room on fire is to
00:14:21.710
run screaming lfd exit whatever your
00:14:24.620
room is you quit it you leave you maybe
00:14:27.830
it's a job maybe it's a boss or another
00:14:30.170
person maybe it's the entire industry
00:14:32.720
whatever it is it's not healthy get
00:14:35.240
yourself out there is no shame in
00:14:39.920
fleeing the room on fire even if you
00:14:43.400
have the power to stay in the room even
00:14:45.440
if you have the power to stay in the
00:14:47.000
room and make it not on fire that
00:14:48.550
doesn't mean you have to and there is no
00:14:51.650
shame in leaving the room because you
00:14:54.200
choose to do so sometimes leaving the
00:15:03.170
room is the only way that you can
00:15:04.820
demonstrate to everyone else who's in
00:15:06.410
the room with you how to find an exit
00:15:08.810
and use it sometimes this this option
00:15:12.890
doesn't work for us so what if you are
00:15:16.180
financially supporting other people what
00:15:20.630
if you are an immigrant on a visa and
00:15:23.060
your boss keeps making these jokes about
00:15:26.540
you taking time off what if you feel bad
00:15:31.250
because there's someone more vulnerable
00:15:33.470
than you who's in that room and you
00:15:35.540
don't want to leave because then you
00:15:37.160
can't help them if you can't or you're
00:15:42.080
not ready to flee the room you have two
00:15:44.270
more choices you can make one options is
00:15:47.839
to stay and change yourself
00:15:49.750
this doesn't mean stay and transform
00:15:52.250
into into that charmander into someone
00:15:54.080
you're not someone who's not bothered by
00:15:55.790
the room on fire
00:15:57.010
you are in a room on fire and it's legit
00:16:01.130
for you to feel bothered by it and
00:16:02.570
whatever whatever feelings you have
00:16:04.640
about it those feelings are valid by
00:16:07.940
changing what is internal I mean
00:16:10.040
changing what you do and versus what
00:16:13.100
anyone else does it means identifying
00:16:14.720
what is directly under your control and
00:16:16.880
changing only that anyone in this room
00:16:21.980
have siblings especially younger
00:16:24.470
siblings okay any of you have gone on
00:16:26.839
road trips
00:16:27.830
when you were kids okay so all right
00:16:30.920
here's an example you might understand
00:16:32.510
um
00:16:33.760
you cannot stop your younger brother
00:16:36.890
from playing I'm not touching you I'm
00:16:39.200
not touching you like that is not
00:16:42.080
something you can really control but you
00:16:44.810
can like turn to the window look for
00:16:47.000
cows look for elif state license plates
00:16:48.800
and just feel exasperated and put upon
00:16:50.779
and that is an example of what you do
00:16:54.769
instead of what anyone else does the
00:16:58.910
reason why you might want to pick this
00:17:00.470
option first to stay in the room and
00:17:02.959
change what is internal is when you are
00:17:07.160
when you're exhausted when you are burnt
00:17:09.410
out it can be really really hard to tell
00:17:13.880
the difference between what you can
00:17:15.260
change and what you cannot change and
00:17:19.929
that means that if you change what is
00:17:23.420
internal to yourself and reach for this
00:17:25.699
option first you don't have to make that
00:17:28.040
decision that's suddenly become super
00:17:29.750
hard because you're in a burning room
00:17:32.620
one of the things you can do to change
00:17:34.730
yourself is to apply more self-care and
00:17:37.309
choose how you spend the hours in your
00:17:39.770
day you can change how much and what you
00:17:42.470
sleep eat and spend your non-work waking
00:17:45.230
hours on you can choose what your work
00:17:47.150
hours what that quantity is sometimes
00:17:52.429
this works sometimes you were on a
00:17:55.370
stressful project and that was your
00:17:57.110
burning room and it ends you survived it
00:17:59.720
things go back to normal and your
00:18:01.730
battery goes back to full I want to take
00:18:05.300
a look at what this how this might play
00:18:07.820
out this is a little status graph of our
00:18:11.660
battery and time I'm gonna mix up the
00:18:14.929
axes a little bit so try not to think
00:18:16.850
too hard about it our batteries are
00:18:19.850
charged and our home and work lives are
00:18:22.130
a steady-state our self-care investment
00:18:24.559
is also at a steady state then something
00:18:27.980
changes maybe we get transferred to a
00:18:30.350
really stressful work project and our
00:18:33.110
battery is going to draw down a little
00:18:34.669
bit as a result so we kick up the
00:18:37.910
self-care a notch and our we get to
00:18:40.190
recharge our batteries levels
00:18:41.539
a little bit what happens next is going
00:18:45.529
to depend entirely on the trajectory of
00:18:47.929
that middle work home life blue line
00:18:51.830
right there if the stressful project
00:18:55.279
ends like we talked about earlier then
00:18:57.470
we get to scale back our self-care and
00:18:59.269
our battery returns to normal and we go
00:19:01.940
back to life as before if the stressful
00:19:05.809
project continues or maybe it stops but
00:19:08.539
gets replaced with some life problems or
00:19:10.460
a different work problem then we need to
00:19:13.249
maintain our high levels of self-care to
00:19:15.109
keep our battery charged the problem
00:19:21.769
comes when whoops where am I
00:19:29.139
there we go the problem comes when work
00:19:32.059
or life keeps ramping up what wouldn't
00:19:34.369
it needs out of you and at some point
00:19:36.590
you're going to hit this max because
00:19:38.330
you've only got that six to eight hours
00:19:39.590
of none sleep none work time you're
00:19:42.169
gonna hit this max of how much self-care
00:19:43.970
you can apply and your battery is going
00:19:46.039
to quietly drain away when this happens
00:19:49.849
it might feel like you can't do enough
00:19:53.269
you can't give enough to your work to
00:19:56.299
meet the demands you can't perform
00:19:58.249
enough self-care to feel okay with what
00:20:00.830
you're outputting you can't accept where
00:20:03.109
you are because it is unacceptable if
00:20:07.970
you've hit that point the healthiest
00:20:10.519
thing for you to do is flee the room get
00:20:12.769
yourself out find a new job find a new
00:20:15.139
industry ditch the relationship whatever
00:20:17.149
it is get yourself out but if you are
00:20:22.220
the point where you're ahead of the
00:20:23.929
curve and you're looking ahead and you
00:20:25.729
are anticipating the curve and you can
00:20:27.889
see where you're headed you might still
00:20:30.470
have time to try one more option change
00:20:33.830
what is external to you that is that you
00:20:36.049
can possibly change stay and change the
00:20:38.450
room you might be wondering how you can
00:20:43.759
tell when this is possible if you are
00:20:47.690
this is fine dog you cannot change the
00:20:50.869
room by telling it rooms stop being on
00:20:53.509
fire
00:20:54.600
you have to go for what is possible to
00:20:56.759
be changed and make that change in your
00:21:01.679
workplace maybe your room is a stressful
00:21:03.870
project you probably can't change that
00:21:06.179
project but you can change its impact on
00:21:08.370
you if your room is a toxic person you
00:21:11.730
also probably cannot change that person
00:21:14.190
but you could change their impact on you
00:21:17.179
so here is how you do that first think
00:21:21.870
about what change is possible for the
00:21:24.690
stressful project maybe what you could
00:21:26.549
change is whether or not you're on that
00:21:29.009
project and I want you to go ahead and
00:21:32.610
imagine that possibility don't worry
00:21:35.100
about the implementation details just
00:21:36.860
imagine the possibility that you are no
00:21:39.929
longer on this stressful project and
00:21:42.889
kind of feel for your feel for yourself
00:21:45.509
does it feel like that would make the
00:21:47.669
room not be on fire for me would that be
00:21:49.620
enough for me to feel good about about
00:21:52.110
work if it would then that's the change
00:21:55.590
you should aim for and that goes on to
00:21:57.870
the next step think about who can help
00:22:00.690
make it happen there are two groups of
00:22:03.659
people I want you to think about the
00:22:06.029
first is who can authorize the change to
00:22:08.460
go through for the stressful project
00:22:10.470
that's probably your manager who who
00:22:13.620
does that and it's your manager who is
00:22:15.330
the person who can say yes you can leave
00:22:17.399
the stressful project and go do this
00:22:19.019
other thing the other set of people I
00:22:22.500
want you to think about is who can help
00:22:24.539
you make it happen so for example maybe
00:22:27.750
there's another project that you know is
00:22:29.879
healthy and you would be happy to be
00:22:32.399
working there so you could go talk with
00:22:34.379
the p.m. talk about how much you like
00:22:37.470
the project how talk about the ways that
00:22:39.720
you can see yourself contributing to
00:22:41.250
them and ask for the PM's help to
00:22:44.580
petition your manager that p.m. is an
00:22:48.210
example of someone who can help make
00:22:49.950
that change possible and there are lots
00:22:52.950
of people like that just look around and
00:22:54.659
find people to ask for help
00:23:01.490
even if you get help even if you ask
00:23:04.920
your manager and they're sympathetic you
00:23:06.840
might not get what you're looking for on
00:23:08.280
the first try and that's why this is a
00:23:10.590
cycle if you get told no or later look
00:23:15.060
for different things that you might be
00:23:16.260
able to change for the stressful project
00:23:19.050
if you can't leave now
00:23:21.380
maybe what you can do is ask can i pair
00:23:25.410
with my favorite teammate or what I ran
00:23:28.770
spher after we hit this milestone or
00:23:30.690
after we do this many number of Sprint's
00:23:34.040
you can keep looking for new ways to
00:23:36.630
change the room if the one that you
00:23:39.030
picked before didn't quite work and keep
00:23:40.890
looking for other allies to help you
00:23:42.360
make that change at some point though
00:23:46.550
the reason we started talking about this
00:23:49.350
cycle was because of this graph we
00:23:52.860
talked about how we got here because we
00:23:54.810
were anticipating that that very sad
00:23:58.100
curve if we it's possible to catch up to
00:24:06.030
that curve and hit that point after
00:24:08.790
you've done a lot of trying to change
00:24:11.310
the room trying to make it healthy for
00:24:13.050
you and while you're trying to do that
00:24:16.110
work and life keeps going on and you
00:24:19.860
don't get you don't get that break if
00:24:23.580
you hit that point at which you've maxed
00:24:25.620
out self care and there's not more that
00:24:27.900
you can do you can't stay in that room
00:24:32.840
there is a saying that's attributed to
00:24:35.970
Martin Fowler he says we can change our
00:24:39.120
environment or we can change our
00:24:40.380
environment you can either modify the
00:24:43.380
environment to be acceptable or you can
00:24:45.930
swap out the environment for a different
00:24:47.640
one if modifying the environment isn't
00:24:50.550
successful don't keep trying to ask for
00:24:53.580
different ways to get off that project
00:24:55.070
keep an eye on your battery and change
00:24:58.110
your environment go back to your other
00:25:00.570
option and flee the room
00:25:06.290
all right let's recap if life is feeling
00:25:10.140
stressful take a look around figure out
00:25:13.050
if you are in a room on fire put your
00:25:16.320
hand on that door see if it's hot don't
00:25:18.930
let yourself be talked out of the fit
00:25:20.250
just because you don't see smoke coming
00:25:21.690
in from underneath the door look for
00:25:24.060
changes in your habits once you once
00:25:28.620
you've gotten to this point remember
00:25:29.970
that you have choices you can change
00:25:31.410
what this internal what is external that
00:25:33.660
you have control over or you can attempt
00:25:36.180
to fight what this external that you
00:25:37.410
have no control over which doesn't work
00:25:39.810
so instead you can flee the room you can
00:25:42.750
fight the fight the room or you can stay
00:25:46.110
and apply self-care band-aid band-aids
00:25:48.150
to get yourself through this until
00:25:49.620
you're able to either let the project
00:25:51.720
finish or get yourself out none of these
00:25:56.580
things none of these choices are bad
00:25:58.800
choices or wrong choices get as much
00:26:02.580
information that you can and make the
00:26:04.170
best choice that you can in that moment
00:26:06.240
with the information that you have and
00:26:07.740
the state that you are in keep an eye on
00:26:11.010
if there's a point at which throwing
00:26:12.750
more self-care at your situation won't
00:26:15.330
make the situation any more bearable for
00:26:17.340
you and if you get to a point when the
00:26:20.520
choice you picked isn't serving you
00:26:22.110
anymore
00:26:22.740
pick another choice you're not stuck
00:26:25.380
with it just because you picked it you
00:26:27.150
can change it don't blame or
00:26:31.170
second-guess yourself later because of
00:26:33.060
the choice you made and think oh if I'd
00:26:34.710
done something else things would have
00:26:35.940
come out better it might have but that
00:26:41.040
doesn't matter you did your best with
00:26:45.000
the information that you could with the
00:26:46.980
state that you were in in that moment
00:26:48.980
regardless of the results remember that
00:26:51.690
you did your very best to take care of
00:26:53.220
yourself so do make the choice do choose
00:27:00.270
whether you draw another bubble bath and
00:27:02.520
wait it out or whether you choose not to
00:27:07.010
thank you for thank you for listening I
00:27:10.020
will be sticking around off mic for
00:27:11.940
questions or you can catch me on Twitter
00:27:14.820
I am @jt you I am taking coaching
00:27:18.210
clients at this
00:27:19.610
please come talk with me if that's
00:27:21.020
something you are interested in I will
00:27:23.150
be posting slides and notes from this
00:27:25.700
talk including some of the references I
00:27:27.800
was looking at on my company website we
00:27:30.950
cohere comm the company name by the way
00:27:33.530
is pronounced Co here unless you want to
00:27:36.640
tease my business partner Z then call it
00:27:40.130
week oh here he really does not like
00:27:41.690
that thank you